Inner Demons

Like many people out there, I recently watched the Netflix original, Thirteen Reasons Why. 

I’ve heard and read a LOT of different reactions to this series. In fact, I hadn’t read the novel because my friend read it and told me about how awful it was. How Hannah Baker was so wimpy. Whining about stupid things. And I thought, great another author who doesn’t get depression or suicide but writes about it any way. Because if I’ve learned anything from this life, it’s that people who have never suffered from real depression, anxiety, panic attacks, addiction, any form of mental illness, they just can’t grasp the idea. They try, they listen. But their brains just can’t make the connection to what we are saying, and their own life. 

So here’s another post (there are likely thousands out there) telling you what I took away from Thirteen reasons why.

I was almost Hannah Baker. 

From the outside you would never expect someone like me to have serious depression or anxiety. But I do. Someone recently said to me “What do YOU have to be depressed or worried about?” Well, that’s not how anxiety or depression works. 

I don’t think we should EVER belittle someone’s attempts to talk about their struggles. Because we never know what’s going on in someone else’s world. It’s impossible to know how it really feels to be in someone else’s life. 

When I made it to the 13th tape, and listened to Hannah try to reach out. Try to tell someone what was going on in her life. How empty, lost, and alone she felt…. I just sat there thinking he doesn’t get it. But I do. I’ve been where Hannah was. In such a dark place you can’t see any way out. 

I think if we learned anything from watching Hannah’s final thoughts reach out and explain to her former friends how it all went so wrong, it’s that it really isn’t that hard to end up like Hannah Baker. Lots of little thinks coming together and you start to sink. And what’s sadder to me, is that every one of them could have made it better for Hannah. They could have listened, helped her. Told the truth. Been her friend. 

I’m lucky, I may not have had great friends, but I had something. One thing that made me happy. One thing to keep me going. 

I’m not sure what I would do without my horses in my life. Because, we live in a society where we are taught to be ashamed of needing help. 

I have three best friends. 

The first is truly one of those people who no matter how hard she tries, she can never really grasp the dark and twisted parts of me. 

The second, is a harder situation. Very complicated. He has his own inner demons, so truthfully he might could understand. But for a long time we haven’t seen eye to eye on a very important thing. He’s in love with me. And I see him only as a friend. Yes I am aware, not a very original story there, but an honest one nevertheless. I fear sinking him under the weight of my own issues, when he’s struggling to stay afloat as well at times. 

My final best friend… she could really probably get it the best. She’s grown up with me, seen the ups and downs of life. And maybe I should find some courage and talk to her. But I don’t want her to look at me as damaged. Which I am. Even though I know that NONE of this is something to be ashamed of… I am ashamed. I want to be stronger. I’m not sure how to get past that. 

I’ve tried therapy, and maybe it would be better if I lived somewhere else…. but therapist options are very limited when you live in a small town in the middle of no where. They just don’t ask the write questions. Which is what I need more than anything. For someone to ask the right questions, and care enough to listen to the answers. 

I guess my point here, is don’t be quick to judge the Hannah Baker’s of the world. Don’t be quick to brush away when someone tries to tell you they are struggling. It’s not easy to do. And when people find the courage to talk about it, they should be taken seriously. 

You never know what who someone else’s inner demons really are. Just because they don’t seem like the type, or their lives seem like they have it all, doesn’t mean they aren’t having problems.

Adult Life Struggles

Ok guys. Real talk. How the hell are you supposed to make friends as an adult?!? I can’t be the only one struggling to figure this out.

Now I’m sure that my social anxiety doesn’t help me here. But I’m nearly 30 and I am yet to figure this out!

When we were younger we made friends who went to the same school as us. Or who were involved in the same after school activities. But here’s the thing, as a self employed adult who rides horses… that means my choices are pretty slim pickings.

My barn is primarily filled with very nice, but very young kids. By this point in most adult riders lives they are “taking a break” to raise a family. But that’s not me. And I’m sorry, you’re super sweet kid, but I’m not hanging out with 13 year olds. That’s weird. I’m almost old enough to be their moms. I’m not going to be their buddy. That’s weird.

And people love to ask, so what do you do when you aren’t riding? Ummm sleeping? Working? That’s about all I do. So where do I make friends?

I actually may have made my first EVER adult friend!! But I think I might have cheated? It’s my massage therapist… is that weird? She’s practically seen me naked. But whatever.


Catfishing Mom

So the oddest thing happened to me over the weekend.

I was sitting at the Raleigh Indoor watching the Derby when my phone buzzed. I looked down to see a friend request…. From my MOM. I called my dad immediately, he told me that he wasn’t sure what was going on but he would look into it.

In the mean time, I get a message from the fake profile:

Joyce: Hello. How are you doing?

Me: Fine.

Joyce: Have you heard about New USA Funding?

Me: Thanks for pretending to be my mom.

Joyce: Sorry. .just to make something… Can you give me more details about your mom?

Me: Yep, reporting you to Facebook Delete the account!

Account disappeared. Now, the person could have simply blocked me or they could have actually deleted the account. But man that’s a gutsy move. I call you out on it and instead of just disappearing you decide to go with “Can you help me deceive you’re mom’s friends and family” route.

And I wish that this was the end of the story. But of course it isn’t. Mom has been freaking out about being “hacked” for a couple days now. I have no clue what to tell her. First off, she wasn’t really hacked. She was used for someone to try to Catfish people. It was probably a decent cover, a teacher who touched so many young lives. They could friend so many people in our city and they wouldn’t even know the difference.

But really, do these scum bags have nothing better to do than find an older woman to pretend to be? You don’t know her life. You don’t know the struggeles she goes through every single day. You don’t know the stress it causes normal people, let along a woman with Alzheimer’s and Cancer. She is now confused. Did she accidentally do this and not remember? Did make this happen? How did this happen? And round and round we go.

I love my mom. I hate to see her struggle. So this is just a little food for thought, this stuff all affects someone. This time it just so happened to affect someone I love. So I’m writing about it. I just feel awful for my mom right now.


Sleepless in Raleigh

So tired, yet sleep will never come. Got to love that insomnia. It’s 4:30 am and my body has zero interest in shutting down. I don’t know that I would mind so much if I was at home. But of course not, I’m at a horse show. I have to be up and checked out of my hotel in the morning… And I have a 3.5 hour drive back to the barn, then an additional 45 mins home. Doesn’t look like sleep will be my friend this weekend.

Do any of you suffer from insomnia? I have tried just about everything. My doctor has me on Ambien. I’ve tried exercise, massage, mediation… I even purchased a weighted blanket which is supposed to help for people with anxiety (check), ADHD (check), insomnia (major check). I will say that the weighted blanket really does seem to help. I like it a lot, however it’s a bit of a pain toting it around with me to horse shows and what not. But worth it.

Do any of you have something you’ve found that works well for you? I’m always looking for quality suggestions.

You would think that after horse showing all day and being exhausted it would be so easy to lay down and go to sleep. But it never is. Even ager I take my migraine pill (thanks to my lack of hydration throughout the day leading to a migraine) which has a side effect of drowsiness… And my Ambien. NOTHING. Even with my weighted blanket. So here I am at 4:30 am just trying to reach out to other people who deal with this mess. Anyone have any ideas?

Thanks in Advance ~

Buzzy Bee

For What It’s Worth…

Here’s a little bit of opinion, take it or leave it.

I want to start posting opinion pieces for a while. I know, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. So I figure, maybe my opinion might be the same (or close to the same) as yours. Maybe that could make us all feel just a little bit less alone. If not, keep checking back, because odds are I’ll weigh in on something you really care about sooner or later!

So, I guess here it goes… The first time… I’m a little nervous.

I was lucky enough to be one of the few people to get to see “Beauty and the Beast” on it’s opening night. I wasn’t lucky enough to be at one of the big events. But nevertheless it was a dream come true to see my favorite Little Hermione become my favorite little Belle.

Now, Let’s just hit the ground running. Let’s talk about Josh Gad. If you ask me (which I know you didn’t) I don’t think that there is any stretch that LeFou was gay. If you find your way back to the original movie, you might notice that LeFou was questionable at best. I think that LeFou makes a pretty amazing journey throughout this film that deserves to be seen. Josh Gad is a wonderfully comedic actor who brought LeFou to life in one of the truest ways imaginable. I can’t imagine LeFou being played any other way than this. So I guess, if you have a problem with LeFou being who he is… go see is and see if you still feel that way.

I was blown away by this adaptation of my very favorite childhood movie. I was a little concerned that even with the all star cast it might fall flat. I thought Emma Watson was delightful and Dan Stevens somehow managed to make the Beast sexy. He brought charm and fun to an otherwise dark character.

With that being said, I want to touch on some of the original loop holes.

  • Can we all acknowledge that in the original, Prince Adam was 11 when he was cursed. What 11 year old isn’t a little bit of a punk?
  • Why would everyone stay with the Prince after his transformation?
  • How did this even happen? Where were his parents? Why was no one raising him to be a better person?
  • How is it possible for him to not tell  every person there “Hey man, stop calling me beast! It’s offensive! I have a name. Call me Adam!”
  • Why does LeFou always follow along with Gaston?

There are so many more, I know it. But it’s late, and I’m tired. The bright side is that several of the loop holes get filled in! I’m pretty happy with the movie overall. I felt like it took care of the issues from the original. But still stayed so true to the story. I enjoyed it so much, I’m likely to see it again this weekend!




Get Your Act Together boys!

When was the moment that men decided it was just totally chill to send us dick pics?  Why has this become socially acceptable? 
Hey Jenny, how’d your parents new? Oh you know, same old story. Met online. He sent her dick pics… love a first pic. 
Why’s is this ok?

Hell, maybe it’s just me. I don’t want to send an 80% nude pic to some guy I’ve been texting for 24hours. 

I can’t be the only one thinking this right? 


Early Morning Life

When you aren’t a morning person, getting up at 3 am is ROUGH. And getting up at 3am is even harder when you’re going to work and not to do something fun! But, it does allow for me to blog the random thoughts, which I know you enjoy SO much! (She said to the no one reading her blog lol)

So, I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but Matt is in the Navy Reserves. He recently found a deployment he was interesting in going on. Which is great for him! He was so excited about it. But as any military girlfriend can probably tell you, while I’m happy for him… This massively sucks for me.

If Matt were to get this deployment he would be gone for a year. We are still in a relatively new relations ship. Where does that leave us? But with it being a newer relationship (about 3 months) it feels needy and annoying for me to ask him. “But what about me? What about us?” Just all sounds so needy and clingy, and frankly rather childish. He wants me to keep his dog, so that would imply that we would still be together or what not. And please, don’t get me wrong, there is no way in Hell that I will let him deploy for a year without knowing the answers to these questions.

For one amazing moment I thought that I wouldn’t have to worry about it at all. Matt got an email saying that he wouldn’t be going on this deployment. They explained why, and he was ok with it all. Matt decided to make the transition from reserves to active. He talked with me at some length about why this would be such a good move, not just for him, but for us. It makes me nervous, just because he could get stationed far away. But with what he does in the Navy it seems likely he would stay local. (We have a high Navy population.)

But alas, the next day he received an email stating that he WOULD be going out on the aformentioned deployment. He basically called his cheif and said, “Hey, I recieved an email saying ___________________________, and that I wouldn’t be going. Just wanted to clarify which was correct because I also summited paper work to go back to Active duty. I was just wondering which one it would be.” Basically his commanding officer said “Well, see which one you get first and that’s the one you’ll do.”

GGGGGGGgggggggrrrrrrrreeeeeeeaaaaaaatttttttt. Thanks a lot for that incredibly vauge answer. I’ll go ahead and continue to plan my life on this shifting sand.

I know that none of this is news to anyone who has dated military before. But I have gone out of my way to never put myself in this situation. I don’t date people in the military because I need to know where my life is headed. I struggle to not know the plan. But here I am, falling for this guy, who’s life is so uncertain. Honestly, had I realized he was even in the reserves I’m not sure if I ever would have dated him. It’s just not conducive to my lifestyle. I have a large dog, 2 cats, and 5 horses to think about and move around with me. I have to find places that allow the animals and somewhere for the horses to live every time I move. Harder than you might think.

I never meant to put myself in this situation. Yet, here I am.

Any words of wisdom? How do you all cope with your significant other being gone for long stretches of time? How do you handle being uprooted from time to time? I am so new to all of this, and it can be overwhelming….


Early Morning Struggles

Let’s get something straight right now. I am not a morning person. Getting up hours before the sun comes up is not fun for me. Yet, this morning, like several mornings last week, I was up at 3 am to go to work. Isn’t that fun? (No is the truthful answer.)

Two things occured yesterday to make all of this even more fun.

1- My guy came home. I don’t really know what else to call him. He isn’t actually my boyfriend… But we’re spending a whole lot of time just seeing each other… Well, WHATEVER he is, he came home. Sorry, Matthew. Matthew came home yesterday. He drives trucks for a company, mostly long hauls and he is in the Navy Reserves. I love it when he comes home, because I don’t get a lot of time with him.

2- My parents came home from their Florida home for a week.

I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but our house is under a massive renovations. I’m not talking about a crazy HGTV style reno. But nevertheless our home is in a massive state of chaos. My bedroom is under construction, as is my bathroom. Everything I own is scattered all over the house in boxes. With my parents home, Matthew and I ended up sleeping in his horse trailer. Luckily his trailer has amazing living quarters, so we were very comfortable. But still. Having him there made it hard to drag myself out of bed. It’s definitely a struggle to get out of bed… snuggly boy and my snuggly dog. But alas, I now find myself at work. 7 hours into my work day and it isn’t even 10am yet. CRAZY.

There isn’t anything nearly as awesome as being on your own for a month, just to have your parents come home and tell you how everything you do is wrong. IT’S THE BEST! But, it’s life. Especially life of a nearly 30 year old living with her parents. This is entirely self inflicted- haha.


This is Bee

As I mentioned in my first post, everything you find here will be true. The only thing that will be changed are names to protect my friends and loved ones. So, without further ado…

My “name” is Bee. I’m quickly approaching my 30th birthday, which TV (espeically the show “Friends”) has lead me to believe that I should be approaching a meltdown or a freak out. But despite the questionable status of my life, I seem to be standing firmly on my own two feet, without a freak out in sight. So, here’s to hoping that I stay completely stable, or perhaps I should say “stable”, for the next few months and buck the odds.

At any rate, I’m almost 30. And like a lot of people in my generation I have made that most embarrassing of life journeys… Back home to live with my parents, in my childhood bedroom, after my divorce. Honestly, it should probably bother me much more than it does. But the truth is, it just doesn’t bother me that much. If anything I feel lucky and grateful.

After my seperation I was running low on money and my family was going through some termoil (which I’ll get into later). After a long talk with my parents it was decided that I would make the journey back to my childhood home to stay with them. Not just me though, I came with a 4 year old Weimaraner, a 6 year old tabby cat, and 6 horses! I honestly think my parents were bitting off more than they had planned for!

I won’t pretend there haven’t been some awkward times. But in the end, this was definitely the right choice for me.

Earlier this year my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. This was later specified as Stage 4 Breast Cancer. Then it was also found in her lymph nodes. And lastly it was found in her Liver. I have been so lucky to spend this last year at home with my parents. I am lucky to have them both in my life each and every day (though sometimes I forget this). To complicate our lives further, my mother, age 59, has been diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s. Our good days with her are numbered. So I am blessed to spend those days with her, which yes… I struggle to remember when I’m being yelled about something ridiculous (examples to come, and trust me they can be interesting…) but nevertheless, I am so lucky.

Anyway, I am Bee. This is my life. Welcome.


Welcome to the Truth

For those who don’t live in the South East, you may have missed our “massive” snow storm last weekend. Don’t get too excited people, it was only about 6 inches… But for the South East, that equals complete mayhem. So, while I was camped out in my home, hiding from the nasty frezzing cold tempetures, and the icky snow… I proceeded to binge watch tv shows like it was my job.

This binge watching covered a broad spectrum of shows, everything from Downton Abbey to MTV’s Catfish, not to mention a lot of things inbetween. I’m well into season 4 for both shows. (Stop laughing anyone who lives North of us, yes we are completely aware that 6 inches of snow for you all wouldn’t even be likely to cause delays. For the South East…. our entire lives shut down for about a week.) At any rate, I began to wonder what it is about the world that makes us all so fearful to share who we are. Why can’t we just be honest with one another?

I’m no stranger to the desire to be someone else. Over the years I have wanted to be anyone else for most of my life. I was severly bullied, back before bullying was really a thing. I was geeky before it was cool, I was a Harry Potter nerd before most people even knew who Harry Potter, Dumbledore, Snape, or Lord Voldemorte were. I was about as unpopular as a person could be. My own brother told people he was an only child and that I didn’t exist.

Naturally all of this made me retreat even more into my world of books.

As an adult, I am an aspiring author, I find myself living in the world of my characters rather than living my own life.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to go about this… Sadly, to protect the innocent (my friends, family and loved ones) I will be changing names, including my own. But other than names, my goal is to remain true to the world around me. I promise you that everything I write will be true, the only thing that will be altered are names of those around me!

Ready to kick this off? Me too. Let’s see how it goes!